october rather sucked. i feel like i've regressed a lot as far as coping mechanisms go. basically i struggled and panicked trying to get a costume ready for salem, somehow pulled it all together with help from the rest of the company, and dealt with one technical difficulty after another once i got to salem. that considering i don't think i did that terribly, proverbial last minute, but the pictures that are showing up are really embarassing. ok, whatever, i'm still pretty noobish and everyone makes mistakes and i have some ideas for how to fix it next year, but still, that fucking hurts. especially cos i feel i've made the company look bad. all things considering i didn't do too terribly financially, actually came pretty close to my total goal; a little disappointed cos i had unrealistic expectations and lots of people photographed without tipping, but thats how it goes sometimes. i hope i haven't ruined things with cady....i did kind of explode at her on friday, but thats cos i was panicking and not thinking logically and honestly don't understand her competition thing in the sense that that's not what motivates me at all, but i tried to explain that and apologize and it seemed like we were good. i'd truly hope that if she really had some issues with me she'd talk to me about it...conversely maybe i should grow a pair and initiate that but it that feels like a much bigger scarier task than it is cos i already feel like an incompetent burden, due to Having Feelings and Not Knowing Everything. this hurts double cos sometimes i do remember that i'm actually not lazy, i work my butt off constantly in order to put up that whole fucntional human being front and do think i succeed, at least on some level, the majority of the time. but if i truly do suck beyond repair at this whole statue thing even with someone holding my hand the whole time, then shit goddamn, what am i going to do for income now? ok that's a bit melodramatic, but still, i'd rather know this shit.
basically i'm massively butthurt and kind of hating on myself for being such a spoiled baby and feeling rather powerless over it cos i'm mentally wired for incompetence and physically lack the strength to compensate !00% for that. whatever, i can't remember my last breakdown, therefore i'm not abusing the privilege
posi = tried something new and learned from it and survived, earned a day off at least physically, downtime with the family at the end of the month, planning to get some chores done and be good to myself today, i think i'm actually doing ok financially, birthday soonish, have some promising gigs lined up, still don't have a boss, might see the devil makes three on saturday if i can pull it off (maybe i should just make it a priority cos i haven't done that in a while and even though i don't deserve treats from a posi-reinforcement angle i do need something to psych myself up over...i'll see), i can work with leeanne again where i'm a lot more comfortable and confident